( ♪♪ )
(Theme music in reggae style)
( ♪♪ )
(Inhaling from pipe, exhaling)
(Marker scratching)
(Ice cubes clinking in glass)
( ♪♪ )
Begin the day with the fiddledeetoke!
The sun gazee is up...
What fucking song
am I even singing? I don't know, man.
I don't know, you're... Whoo!
fucked up but, man, you have cool hair! I've just got to say it.
I do have cool hair but it actually does get into my eyes sometimes.
(Louder) What the fuck is with those shoes?
Are you kidding me? Ricky: I know!
Those are the shoes that fucking Kiss would wear
if Kiss...
were Dutch!
See, boys? I fucking told you these are rock star shoes!
They fucking suck, man.
This fucking boat is amazing!
It's fucking bad-ass!
Oh, my fuck, is there any more pizza?
Uh, you know, there is probably some food on here,
but before I offer you some food,
might I interest you in a tinxture? Bubbles: A what?
A tinxture. Fuck is a... drink...?
A what? A tinxter?
Tinxture. Dude, are you guys aware of the fact
that they've totally re-invented weed?
A bit but...
Dude, a weed tinxture can be indica, sativa, topically applied.
You can put it in an eye-dropper,
put it under your tongue for sleep.
They got weed vapes, weed chocolates,
weed muffins, weed rice krispies,
weed ketchup, weed mayo, weed mustard.
Can I interest you in a weed sandwich?
Have you ever met my chicks?
Hey. Julian: Hey girls.
Hey, ladies. Rock star ladies!
Come on in. What the fuck are you even doing here?
I don't know. I was in California, like, two nights ago
and I woke up and we're in fucking Amsterdam.
(Chuckling) That's what rock stars do.
They get fucked up, wake up around the world.
That's true.
Well, do you mind if I roll a hash joint on your boat?
I promise I won't burn it down or anything.
Well, you know, Amsterdam, you're familiar with the scene here, right?
This is the fucking town where you can smoke dope
on a rope, with the pope,
and they won't even nope.
Man: Hey, you there! Shhii...
(Speaking in Dutch)
Sebastian: What the fuck does that even mean?
Policeman: Get off of this boat!
This is what this means.
Get the fuck off my boat!
Is this your boat?
Well, dude... I thought it was like the bikes.
The hotel's got the bikes in front of it
and the fucking boat is in front of the bikes.
I thought you could just borrow the boat.
I was just going to borrow it,
go back to California and I'd then bring it right back!
I do like hanging out with rock stars whenever I get the chance
but it's probably not the best idea when you're on your way to,
like, a huge event like a CSN concert,
because we could have got arrested.
Most people that are standing on a stolen boat,
they don't go on the offence against the police.
That's 'cause the tinctures.
Policeman: Do I have to drag you off of this boat?
Do I have to drag you off of this boat
so I got to drag you back on the boat
so you can drag me off the fucking boat?
Okay, guys, off this boat! Come on!
Look, officer, sorry. We didn't know it wasn't his boat.
We can't get arrested!
Where are you going? Fuck me.
Why? Less than 5 grams, we're cool, right?
(Breaking glass) Where are you fucking guys going?
Nice going, Rick! Why? Why...
Julian: Just get off the fucking boat.
Why are you smashing shit?
Why do you smash?
(Under breath) My fuck!
He's fucking crazy, man. He's hardcore! (Chuckling)
Let's go, boys.
All right, let's go somewhere so I can finish rolling this joint.
Ricky, we're not rolling a joint!
We are going to fucking eat, right now! I'm in charge.
Fine!
(Clogs clopping)
Bubs, you've got to fucking pick a place, man.
What about this place? It's a sit-down fucking restaurant, Ricky.
I've got 6 euros. I keep telling you that.
(Reading) "Wok To the jock chop... walk."
Whatever the hell it's called.
There you go, 4.95 combo. It's a noodle place.
It's full of fucking MSG. I'll be hungry in an hour.
Okay, let's get some ice cream, or some chips,
or just something that'll fucking fill us up a little bit.
I'm dying here! Frites!
Frites. French fry shop.
This is it. Right on, there you go.
This is the place I've been waiting for.
We're going to eat, and then what?
We're going to the Crosby, Stills and Nash concert.
I might just hang out at one of the smoke shops, all right?
Smoke some hash, you guys can meet me afterwards.
No but, you're coming to the concert with us.
Concert. You're coming.
Get a big order too, if you can,
because there's people that are hungry.
Bubbles: I'm getting what I want! Hi, there!
Swearnet's really impressed with the shit you've been doing.
Oh, right on. Especially that stunt with the Queen's underwear.
I kind of fucked that up a little bit.
Do you want to make some big money? Yes.
Here's a special mission for you.
Don't say nothing to the boys.
Thanks, man!
(Mixed chatter)
Do you like garlic sauce? No, I fucking hate garlic sauce.
Garlic sauce, please! Are you kidding me?
Put the garlic! Drive the garlic to her!
Let's do it. Let's go to the concert, boys. I'm pumped.
What do you mean? I thought you said you didn't want to go.
Well.. just... I can probably smoke there
and, band's pretty good, aren't they?
They're really fucking good, Ricky.
They're really good but why, all of a sudden, do you want to go now?
I went out there and then...
Just on half, please.
...weather and different things like that.
No, that's perfect, yep. Load 'em right up, yes.
Just get... Just ketchup's fine. No. Ketchup and mayo.
Are you fucking... You know I don't like fucking mayonnaise.
Here you go.
Awesome! Thank you! Look at that!
That looks amazing!
(Chuckles) That's what...
Oh, but, careful, careful careful!
You almost dropped one there, Bubs. That one there,
it almost fell right out.
So did that one. This is... Boys!
Those ones don't have any sauce on. This is why I...
Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! Jesus!
Ricky! What are you doing?
Almost fell right on the ground, there!
I wasn't dropping it!
I had a perfect hold of it!
Holy fuck, these are good.
(Muttering with a full mouth)
Oh, God.
So you guys just spend all your money on liquor and dope
and then you eat my food!
It was going to get wasted and I saved it.
So you should be thanking me.
These are the best fucking fries I ever had in my life.
Those are pretty good.
Boys, I saved my money just so that I could eat
and now you guys are eating all my...
Well, you did smoke a big part of that joint that I rolled.
I paid for a big part of that joint!
I paid for some of that.
Look who's sharing his drink with ya, me.
I paid fucking two euros and had one drink!
You had a big drink, though.
(Sighing) Do you think I could have a fucking bite now?
Is that cool? One more bite, one more bite.
Ricky: You should eat it before it gets cold.
Well... if he's getting two bites, I'm getting two bites.
Boys!
I haven't even tasted it yet!
Here you go, buddy.
Here, man. Just eat it. There you go.
All right, let's go.
Don't let that fall there.
You guys are fucking assholes!
You've got to start eating them, Bubs... (Indistinct)
Are you done? Can I get you anything else?
(Mouth full) Well, if you're offering more! Just need a napkin.
No, I'm not! I was being sarc...
(Patting) I love you, buddy.
Let's go to the show.
Thanks for the food, man. You saved us.
You're a good friend. (Mouth full) Thanks, Bubs.
We're on vacation. Friends share.
There's what I'm left with, everybody.
Sharing my hash... There's what I'm left with.
He shared his drink. A fucking little bit of a hot dog,
and some picked-over fries
because I hang out with two fucking vultures!
All I wanted was a couple things to eat before going to see
one of the greatest bands in the world.
I don't think that's too much to ask!
Now I'm all jinkity-janked!
I'm going to have to turn my frown upside down!
(Puffing)
Bubbles: This is awesome!
Where do you want to go, Bubs? You guys want to get a seat or...?
We don't have seats but we have these. We can go wherever we want.
Why don't we see if we can go backstage?
Let's see powerful these things are.
We might be able to.
Julian: Bubs, people are laughing at our clogs, man.
Still 25 bucks.
We're just... we're with the band.
With the band! (Chuckles)
These passes we got, these things are unbelievable!
Seems like you can just go wherever you want with these things.
Maybe go check where the band's hanging out!
(Wheezing chuckle)
Unbelievable!
So what do you think? You're going to try to do this or what?
I don't know. I'm pretty nervous, but I mean, we're here,
should we just go try to meet them? Let's do it, man.
Let's just try. Fuck it.
Keep drinking some water.
I need to get some rum back here.
Why are you drinking so much water, Ricky?
(Exhaling) Thirsty.
Bubbles is all excited about meeting the band.
I don't give a fuck we're meeting Cosby, Bill & Stash.
I've got my own little secret mission to deal with,
and this is going to be fucking fun.
(Crushing plastic)
Bubbles: (Whispering) Listen!
(Guitar strumming)
That's them.
Pumped? Do not fuck this up!
Hang back!
When I get overly excited, my bird starts doing that uncontrollably.
This is one of the biggest moments of my life.
I'm just hoping it doesn't get out of hand.
(Whispering) Look, boys.
(Guitar music)
Ricky: So cool.
(Guitar music)
(Inaudible)
(Whispering) Go in, let's go.
Ricky: That's cool. They get off stage
and still want to play?
Go in. Don't be nervous.
(Knocking with clogs)
Boys!
Stills: Boy, who's that walking so loud?
(Guitar strumming)
Bubbles: (Nervously) Hey there...!
Nash: What can we do for you guys?
Ricky: Hey, how's it going?
Julian: Hey, guys.
Sorry, we were told we could come back.
I don't know if that's all right or not.
Swearnet gave us passes and we just came back to meet you.
Any of our roadies out there? They let you in?
Nobody out there. So we just came, hi! Hey!
My name's Bubbles. I'm Graham.
Bubbles? I know who you are. Nice to meet you.
Ah, you must be Bubbles. I am Bubbles.
Yes, you are. I'm Ricky.
Ricky, how are you doing? Ricky: Good. Nice to meet you.
I'm Julian. Hey. Good to meet you. Hi there!
How you doing? You guys got any rum in here?
Didn't you used to play for (indistinct)? You guys are awesome.
Ah, I don't think so. Hey, Rick, can you get some rum for us?
Would you get some... Ask Coach for rum.
Okay. Ricky: Awesome.
It's good. Yeah, yeah, it's good.
Actually, is there a bathroom out here I could use for a bit?
There's one right there. Okay?
Well, I...
I get a little nervous.
I'd rather have peace and quiet, if that's... Ricky, just use the man's...
Is there one out this way or...?
Well, there's one, it's right down the hall, though.
Okay. It's a ways away. There's one right there.
Can I borrow that... can I borrow your phone?
What? I've just got to borrow your phone for a sec.
Kind of freaking out here because, meeting you guys,
and I know this is a bit of an odd request but,
if I played you a bit of a song that I do...
How does the camera work? Just...
What do you mean how's the camera work?
How do you take a picture, you just...?
Press the fucking button. It's right there. Okay.
Nash: I like that.
Well, that's always good.
Okay, You want to use my guitar?
Yeah, could I? Sure.
Try to be quick, Bubs.
You probably don't have a lot of time. Okay, Ricky...
It's right down the hall to the right there, Ricky.
Thanks, guys! Nash: You got it.
Julian: Can I eat some of these cupcakes?
Anything you want. Anything you want.
You got anything you want there.
So some words, maybe?
Yeah, it's in... it's just two chords,
G, A minor, for the chorus.
And the chorus goes "Liquor and whores, liquor and whores,
"Cigarettes and dope
"and mustard and baloney, Liquor and whores."
(Chuckling) Give us a clue here.
So it goes like this.
♪ Liquor and whores ♪
(Bubbles playing in distance)
(Camera beeping)
Hello?
(Moaning) (Trickling)
♪ ... and baloney, liquor and whores ♪
One more time.
Together: ♪ Liquor and whores ♪
♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and baloney ♪
♪ Liquor and whores ♪
Again, again.
♪ Liquor and whores ♪
♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and baloney ♪
♪ Liquor and whores ♪
Bubbles: Oh, my fuck, I just sang with Stills and Nash!
(Chuckling)
So maybe it's like "B",
BSN, Bubbles, Stills & Nash. Bubbles, Stills & Nash?
That's probably a bit much to ask. Why not?
Hey! BSN! That's probably a bit much.
I love the BS. That's great.
That could be a TV network in Canada, BSN.
(Chuckling) It could be.
But wait a second. So you've already published this song?
It's out on record somewhere?
Well, not exactly. I mean, I think,
if I worked at it, I could make it a pretty good song.
No kidding. I think that could be a smash.
Can you sing like that
like in "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes", for instance?
Wow, why don't you join in on that one?
Oh, my God. If you guys play that, I might have a...
I might faint! Really?
I'd love to, yes, I always...
(Playing "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes")
(Humming)
Together: ♪ It's getting to the point ♪
♪ Where I'm no fun ♪
♪ Anymore ♪ (Chuckling)
♪ And I am sorry ♪
I've got to pronounce it the Canadian way.
♪ Sometimes it hurts ♪
♪ So badly I must ♪
♪ Cry out loud ♪
♪ I am lonely ♪ All right!
♪ I am yours, you are mine ♪
♪ You are what you are ♪
You make it... ♪ Hard ♪
That means difficult. Yeah.
Man: Hey, hey hey!
Is this guy with you all? Nash: Yeah he's...
Well, I just caught him pissing in the dressing room...
Julian: Are you fucking kidding me?
Man: ...all over your clothes. What!
Man: I want you all to get the fuck out of here now.
Ricky! Ricky!
Julian: Are you fucking kidding me.
You guys need to leave now.
Bubbles: Ricky! We just made 500 bucks, boys!
(Mixed shouting)
I don't know if I can ever fucking forgive Ricky for this.
I mean, I don't get to play with people
like Stephen Stills and Graham Nash every fucking day,
and Ricky goes and fucks it up
and now I'll never know what could have been.
I could have been in BSN. You don't know.
Pissing in the dressing room?
Out, let's go. Are you kidding me? What?
Bubbles: Ricky!
My God, sorry Ricky pissed on your stuff. He couldn't find the...
He's kind of fucked in the head. (Sighing)
We're sorry about this.
Well, it's okay.
I don't mind as long as it wasn't my dressing room.
(Whimpering) Oh, might have been.
We all have different ones, you know.
Sorry... sir!
Well, Bubbles, don't... don't cry!
Security guard: Let's go now!
Okay, sorry about that. I didn't know he was...
Hey, don't be so mean!
They're Canadians!
They don't know any better!
I don't know why those guys are so pissed off. I said I was sorry.
I don't know what else I can do.
Swearnet offered me 500 bucks to piss on all three of their clothes.
I mean that's good easy money and here we are in Amsterdam with no money.
And I almost pulled it off. I got Nills and Stash, just didn't get Cosby.
And it's not my fucking fault I got caught.
It was the fucking security dick's fault.
I'm not mad at Rick for pissing on the band's clothes.
I'm just pissed off that he did it before fucking Bubbles got the chance
to sing with all three band members.
He basically fucked up two tasks with one fuck-up.
What an idiot!
Bubbles: I can't fucking believe you, Ricky!
You know what? I'm pretty sure the old man taught me that,
once you say sorry, it's forgotten about forever.
It's not that easy! I think it's the rule...
I don't think we're even going in the fucking right way to the bus.
We're going the right way, Bubs.
We look like we're getting into the dirty part of town.
You sure you know where you're going? I know where I'm going.
I tore off one of the tasks off the sheet his morning
hoping we wouldn't have to do it,
but now we have no choice, we've got to fucking do it. We've got to eat.
Holy shit, boys.
Wow. Holy sweet fuck!
Bubbles: My God, look at her!
Bubs, she's just... she winked at you.
She's telling you to go up there, man.
Ricky: She was pointing right at ya!
Bubbles: She's not winking at me...
Julian: She just winked right at you, man.
She did not. Teasing me.
Wow. That's what they do. That's how they lure you in.
You know what, Bubs? If I had the money, I'd give it to you right now.
Listen... If I had the money,
I'd head right in, believe me. You'd head right in?
(Chuckling) If I had the money. We don't have any.
What if I was to tell you you could get it with her for free right now?
Would you do it?
How? Yeah, how?
(Sighing)
I ripped this off this morning
because I didn't want to put any pressure on you
but check that out. Give me that fucking thing...
Julian: You don't have to do it, Bubs.
(Reading) "Convince Bubbles"...
You can get paid 100 bucks to do it! 100 bucks.
So this is all pre-paid? Pre-paid.
You can go in there right now and get with her and we can make 100 bucks.
We get to eat. Oh, no, I can't, boys.
I can't just head in there. You don't have to do it.
I would have to get, you know, psyched up.
All right. You know, we are starving to death here, Bubs.
And we don't have any money. 100 bucks...
We can get some more food and...
It's 100 bucks, man. more hash...
So you want me to go do some banging space cakes...
so that you can eat? For 100 bucks.
Well, do you want to eat? rolling papers...
new pipe... Yes, I'm fucking starving to death.
I would do it if I could, man.
I'd do it too but I'm trying to get back with Lucy right now.
(Growling) All right, let's just go, then.
Forget about it. She said, no prostitutes.
I knew you wouldn't do it.
I'm a little bit nervous. I'm not in the right frame of mind.
I would have to get psyched up.
So what do I do? I just knock on the door?
She's coming right now. (Chuckling)
Good luck, buddy!
Hi, gorgeous. Come in.
Ricky: Wow. (Chuckling)
Pretty tough job you've got there, Bubs!
Julian: You got this, Bubs. Proud of you, man.
Hi there! My name's Bubbles...
I... don't really do this type of thing too often.
(Mouthing silently)
Woman: Come in.
Oh, no, no, no.
Only us, no cameras.
Boys, don't leave me!
Ricky: Fuck, this hash is nice.
I love it over here! It's awesome!
Fuck, he's putting in a pretty good shift in there!
I kind of thought he'd only last a couple minutes.
Yeah, I thought he would too.
(Nervous chuckle)
(Exhaling)
Ricky: Hey, there he is!
Nice chattin' with ya! Yeah, you too, thank you
Thank you!
How was it, Bubs?
Oh, it was... You did it.
It was pretty crazy! You did it?
Going into a private room like that with a lady of the evening,
it's a little more nerve-wracking than I thought it would be.
I don't think it's really my cup of tea.
I mean, I don't want the boys to know
how nervous I was
but they wouldn't let up with the greasy questions.
All right. Let's go. (Indistinct)
No, Ricky. I got her going. Okay, good.
Don't worry, I got her going.
You lasted a lot longer than I thought you would, man.
(Chuckle) I thought you'd only be in there for, like, a minute.
Yeah. Did you get a mouth hug?
Err... Different things went on, Ricky.
Different things? Different things.
A bunch of different positions and stuff?
Crazy stuff, crazy stuff went on in there.
Well, let's go get some money,
get some food, go back to that little hash bar,
get some more of that sort of stuff,
maybe get a drink for Julian.
Bubbles: I might have to just go to bed.
Bubbles: I can't believe you pissed on Graham Nash's toothbrush!
He probably used the fucking thing by now!
Ricky: Well, after the way they threw us out I don't give a fuck.
Fuck 'em! He shouldn't have left it by his pants!
Julian: I can't wait to get paid, pack my bag and go the fuck home!
Bubbles: No kidding. Hello, boys.
Oh, fuck, great! How was your evening?
It was fine. It was fine.
Probably would have been better if you didn't get me to piss
on fucking Crosby, Stills and Nash's clothing for fucking money,
which fucked him up singing with them, which he almost pulled together.
Not my decision. It came from head office of Swearnet.
Okay. Give us our money.
Give us the money for the clogs, first of all. Yep.
We wore those all fucking day.
My back's killing me. My feet are fucked.
It specifically said
"traditional wooden clogs"
not the fruity touristy ones.
Oh, my fuck, are you kidding me?
Julian: Are you fucking kidding me? Here we go again.
That's the technicality. Everything's a technicality,
for fuck's sakes!
All right, well that's it! We've got nothing.
No, no, no, no, we're going to get paid.
He hooked up with that hooker. Let's go!
We did pull that off. So let's go with the money.
Oh, really? Is that what he told you? Yeah.
Let's just... go home, boys. What?
You said it was crazy.
Yeah, I spoke to the madam.
As soon as the hooker started grinding him,
game over! Julian: What?
Before he could even get his rig out.
Julian: Bubs, why didn't you just...
You could have told us that, man!
Mmm, I didn't know.
Well, better luck next time.
I'll see you on the next one.
There's never going to be a fucking next one.
I guarantee you that. Not a fucking chance.
Oh, yeah, there is. No, there isn't.
Read your contract.
What? What? What?
He signed it. There's more of these?
There's more of these to come.
Julian: You got to be fucking kidding me!
Oh, my fuck! This is fucked!
I'm going to smoke the rest of my Amsterdam hash.
Bubbles: Julian! I might never talk to you again.
Ricky: Fuck you, fuck you!
Why didn't you guys read the fucking contract?
See that? Have a nice trip home.
Yeah, yeah. Tell them they'll be talking to my fucking lawyer.
(Sighing) Fuck!
( ♪♪ )
(Seabirds squawking)
Fish: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...
Fuck off! Jesus Christ!
(Whisper) Fuck.
(Light clicks off) Fuck off.